Why wool Socks are Evil

In recent months there has been a growing debate over the issue of which types of socks are better. There are some who feel that cotton socks are better because they are cheap, easily accessible, and look stylish, and there are others who feel wool socks are better because they have keep your feet dry, are more comfortable and are better in almost every way fathomable. However, there is a dark side to wool socks that their wearers don't want you to know. Within this blog post I will attempt to reveal the dark secrets of these "wool sock wearers" and try to expose them for what they really are, evil, black-hearted, pompous, jackasses.

Before I reveal these secrets it is important to point out that there is perhaps a small demographic of wool sock wearers that are unaware of these secrets, unaware of the evils that their kind have committed. Nevertheless, ignorance is a poor excuse in face of such heinous crimes against humanity. Truly, how could something be so comfortable if it were not of the devil. How could some medium have all the perfect qualities for a sock without some sacrifice. So, with this in mind I will now reveal why wool sock wearers are evil.

1. You have to sacrifice your first born child to obtain a pair. For a person to be able to obtain one single pair of wool socks they must perform a ritual in which they sacrifice their first born child to the devil. In exchange they will get one pair of perfectly formed socks that do all of jobs of a normal sock except 1 trillion times better.
2. The socks must be soaked in the blood of 1000 innocents to unlock their unholy sock power. In order for the perfection of the wool socks to be complete they must be washed in the blood of the innocent. This will help to wash out all of the impurities that may be found in lesser socks, it also gives the socks their famous wicking ability.
3. When a person wears wool socks they become agents of the devil. When a person puts on their wool socks they automatically become subject to the will of Satan. Satan comes into the soul of the person through the soles of their feet (which is commonly known as the easiest entryway into the soul due to the similarity in the word sound) and causes the person to commit random acts of evil. Examples of this evil may be tripping an elderly person, farting under the sheets of a child and making them breath in your fumes, or pouring X-lax into the homeless shelters soup line. Some of the most common professions to wear socks are doctors, lawyers, and teachers due to their availability of innocent blood.
4. Wearing wool socks will make the wearer think that they are superior to all other humans. This is caused by the supreme comfort that the wearer has while their feet are being wrapped in the warm embrace of Satan. They are under the impression that if their socks are better that every other manner of their person must also be better, thus turning them in to pompous jackasses. One way you can tell if a person is wearing wool socks is to observe the way they act. If you ever witness a person trying to physically stick their own head into their asshole or kiss themselves in a mirror you are probably in the presence of a wool sock wearer or a democrat (they are almost always one in the same, but occasionally you will encounter a democrat so evil that they can ascend to the evilness of a wool sock wearer, never a republican though, they are nice people).

These are but a few of the evil secrets of the wool sock wearers, there are many more, but alas if I were to list them all I would be old and grey before this post reached the Internet. There are several ways to spot a wool sock wearer and I encourage you to either run from them or, if you have the courage, you can run up to them and kick them in their underdeveloped genitals. If you ever encounter a person who:

1. is trying to kiss themselves in the mirror or stick their head in there ass (as listed above)
2. rides a bike everywhere they go (often wool sock wearers feel remorse-but not enough to give up their socks-and will try to compensate by helping the environment)
3. wears a beanie all the time. Often wool sock wearers will become accustomed to the superior climate control that is taken place at one end of their bodies via the wool socks and seek to obtain this same control on their head via a beanie or hat.
4. wears sandals with socks. All wool sock wearers are very proud of there superior socks and will seek to show them off at every occasion by wearing socks with sandals.
5. has shaved their heads. Oftentimes a wool sock wearer will become dissatisfied with the sub-par wicking ability of their own hair and will shave themselves bald.
6. speaks Spanish. the biggest demographic of wool sock wearers are of Spanish descent (that is where the ritual to obtain wool socks originated), but if a person speaks Spanish or has traveled to a Spanish speaking country they have most likely been exposed to the ritual and will be wearing wool socks.
7. Owns the movie "Volver". Penelope Cruz is a big advocate of wool socks and wool sock wearers often flock to this role model.

You have probably encountered a wool sock wearer.

As I said, if you encounter someone you know to be wearing wool socks you should either run to avoid temptation or kick them in the area of where their genitals are supposed to be (often wool sock wearers don't have genitals). Please if you see this article and you know someone who may be affected by those who wear wool socks, alert them to this blog post. For if we are ever to achieve a perfect society wool socks must be abolished!